I might need you to hold me tonight, I might need you to say it's alright.

I'm in love, I've never felt like this before. I love him so much, and he knows it. I can't bear the thought of leaving Sweden and not seeing him. I need him so much. I don't want to leave, I'll lose him, and he was and is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But I have to come home. I wish I didn't, I really wish I could stay here with him, but I can't. I love him so much, I just wish it could have lasted longer, why did we not meet sooner? Why? Fate can be so cruel at times.

How do you feel when there's no one? Am I just like you?

I feel stupid. I don't know why. I just don't feel smart, like everyone I know has the upper-hand and my brain is just not working anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm actually dreading having to write papers because I know that they will suck, even if they don't suck, I feel like they will. I feel like I'm stuck in grade 10, while everyone else around me is in University. I don't feel like I know anything to help me achieve anything. I've also noticed the same feeling that led me to Uppsala is creeping back...I need to move somewhere, start over where there are no expectations, where I can feel smart again, and not like someone who has no idea what the hell is going on. It's not like I feel superior when I think I'm smart, I just feel like I have at least one worthwhile attribute. I can't sleep...I don't know why, I don't fall asleep until 3am and then get up at noon or so...time is going by slow, but then speeds up and I feel like I can't catch up, like I'm stuck behind everyone else.

I looked out across the river today, saw a city in the fog and an old church tower where the sea gulls play.

Well I've pretty much decided on when I'm coming home. I will be home in the late afternoon of May 6th. Then I have class on the 9th. That gives me no time to get over my jet lag, but I love it here too much to want to leave any earlier. Sarah has offered me her floor, so that means I have somewhere to stay, but I think I may travel from the 1/2 to the 4/5 and then come back, grab my bags and head for the 6:40 flight. I'm thinking I may stay the night in the airport, since check in will start at like 4:30 or so, so I can stay up and read and knit, but then I was thinking of taking a cab, and that means I wouldn't have to leave until 3:00am, but then again, what are the few extra hours going to matter? So I may have someone help me get my bags to the airport and then be off home. I won't lie, I'm looking forward to coming home. I want to start my new classes (Astronomy, Math and maybe Chem) and I am really looking forward to the nice weather. Although the sun is now setting at around 5, so its nice to have the extra sunlight, but it will be nice to be home.

Kiruna is coming up on Tuesday, two bad I have basically two papers to do before I leave. I have to write a paper for this presentation thing, and then I have to write my short paper. I also have to find articles for my big paper. I have my work cut out for me, but hey I really do like this busy feeling, even if at times it makes me feel stressed out! April will only be the one history class I think. I have a few trips I want to do, so I'll need the time to go on those, so hopefully this class is only one class a week so I can travel travel travel.

Well guess I should get back to my paper, I cleaned today, which always makes me feel good, It's nice to have a clean surrounding. Although I still have to organize my knitting box, its a mess. But I can do that tomorrow morning. Now back to the paper...hopefully

Sometimes in life you feel the fight is over and it seems as though the writings on the wall

Why is it that my dreams are filled with the season of spring, and in the morning I wake up to sunshine, and I feel as if it is spring, but I open my blinds...and BAM there's like 45cm of snow. That's just not fair. Really it's not. I'm so ready for spring, but it doesn't want to come.

Apparently knitting socks is way harder than it looks...I've done the same step like 10 times now...oh well maybe I should do some actual work instead of knitting. Although I really cute bag pattern, it just requires some circ needles, which I'll look into buying tomorrow, and some black wool for the body of the bag.

Anyway, back to the essays *groan* so much to do, so little ambition.

In Europe and America there's a growing feeling of hysteria.

Coolest link ever....I love it. But then again I always loved space stuff. At one point in my life, I believe during grade 6, I desperately wanted to be an astronaut. But sadly I realized that I wasn't smart enough, so that fell by the wayside. Anyway, great link, takes a moment to load, but cool nonetheless.
You can find it here

When I want to run away I drive off in my car, but which ever way I go I come back to the place you are.

Well I signed up for a new class. It's a political science class that compares European political systems. It sounds quite interesting, and looks all right, I just don't know about the test, mind you I'm always weary when it comes to any type of test. But I'm sure it will all work out fine. It's actually a lot of fun, considering there are loads of people in the class that I either know or am an acquaintance of. So that makes it entertaining to say the least. My other class...well it's boring and hard to get motivated to do anything with it, but it does seem to be okay, and rather interesting. The prof's funny, even though I think it's unintentional.

Right now I feel rather swamped with work. It just seems like I have so much to do, school work wise, and here I am writing on my blog as a pose to actually doing anything productive. I did clean, and that's gotta count for something right? But I can solve my swamped feeling simply by doing these two papers that I have left over from Sweden and Scandinavia course. So that's my goal this weekend, well not really a goal, considering they are due on Monday. Then I have other work to do, I just need to space it all out and stop stressing. Maybe do some knitting,

I'm actually back into my knitting now. Bought some wool, not quite sure what I will make with it yet. Just looking through patterns to decide. I'm looking at a pattern for a bag that I may do, just modify it a bit more to my liking. I also got my sock kit in the mail today. It's so great. I really love the online store I bought it off of. The shipping was quick and the people were great. The wool itself is fabulous. I will have to order some more if this pair of socks goes okay. I plan on making it a bus project for when I go to Kiruna.

Yes, I'm off to the great north of Sweden. It's a trip put on by Norrlands Nation, and am quite excited about going. I really wanted to go up north well I was here and now's my chance. I even get to see reindeer. REINDEER! So I can't wait, we leave on the 10th of March, so it's not too far off. Although I am dreading the bus ride, considering it's going to be so long, but Steph is joining me, so I'm sure we can make it fun.

Sorry about the lack of updates, classes have left me somewhat frazzled. I have no idea what's going to happen when I return to Uvic in the fall. It's going to kill me, not having 5 classes has been so nice. I'm still undecided about when I should come home. I'd like to stay for May, but would like to do some Math classes that begin at the beginning of May. So I don't know. I need to do a pro and con list soon before I decide. I guess we shall see.

All the roads we have to walk are winding

I've really gotten back into my knitting lately. Although I seem to be having problems casting on for some reason. I can't get it right no matter how many instructions I follow or times I try. Bah. I guess I'll have to keep trying until I get it. I'm also trying to learn how to purl, which when paired with my inability to cast on, is making it frustrating. No worries though. I'll get it. Eventually.

Start a new class tomorrow morning. It's called migrants and minorities, I have no idea how interesting it's going to be, but I guess we will see. I also really want to take a political science class, but I don't know if there will be room, or if I will be able to take it, with out it interfering with my other class. I emailed the guy in charge, so I'll have to wait to see what he says.

Not much else to talk about, mulling the idea of coming home at the end of April. I want to take some summer classes at Uvic, so if I come home in April, I can take math 100. But we shall have to see. I'll have to think about it. I don't know If I really want to leave Uppsala that early.

Watched two movies last night. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I really liked it. Once you figured out what was going on, it was a really good movie, and it was nice to see Jim Carey in a serious role. He's such a good actor, and I think this movie really proved that. I also watched Garden State. I was kinda torn on this movie. It was a good storyline. Zack Braff has shown his writing abilities, but the acting to me seemed almost forced, maybe it's because I can really only see Zack as JD. But other than that, and yes I am aware that I am one of the only people in the world who wasn't particularly fond of this movie, I still enjoyed it and though it was good, it just could have been better.

Anyway, enough of being critical. Off to organize my life!

See that skin, it's the same she's been standing in

It's funny how you don't miss the small things until they're gone. Living here in Sweden, I've come to realize how much I miss the rain. West coast rain to be specific. There's just something different about it. The smell, the way it falls, I'd love to have west coast rain instead of this crappy cold snow ice deal we have going on at the moment. And the humidity. No matter how much lotion I put on in, my skin still could be sold and made into a belt or exotic bag, it's that dry. It's like the air just sucks out all the moisture.

Anyway, had my essay critiqued today. Went fairly well. Didn't feel like I had to cry or anything because it was harsh. I actually was told it was quite good, and that there were only minor things that needed to be fixed and expanded upon. So yay! Fears waylaid momentarily. So next week I have to fix this essay up, should take a night or two to do that, and then have to write a short 3-4 page paper because I missed the first class. I can't remember what it has to be on, I'm just hoping I can get it done quickly next week, because I start and new class on Monday and I have no idea how much work it's going to entail.

Still needing to make plans to go somewhere. I'm having dinner tomorrow with Susanne, so perhaps we can work out some details then about going to Amsterdam. Really want to go somewhere, anywhere just to see something new and different. But we shall see, everything will work out in the end.

Well back to reading the other papers for tomorrow, (last class!) although I what I really want is to curl into my warm bed and go into a late winter hibernation. Very sleepy for some reason today.

I'm walking away from the troubles in my life.

I've been feeling yucky lately, like a cold is trying to sneak up on me. May just be the weather, the snow is back, at least for a while. I don't mind snow, but just a few days ago, the sun was shining and it was fairly warm, it felt like spring. And then only a few days later to have this snow dumped on us, it just doesn't seem fair.
So glad that essay is over and done with, although I need to go over it and expand some places and make some of my thoughts and sentences more clear, but that's a task for tomorrow.
I downloaded itunes awhile ago, and have completely fallen in love with it, so much so, that my next big purchase when I get back to Canada and get a job will be an ipod. Don't really know if I want a mini or a real one, but we'll just see how the financial situation is before I decide. I've always really wanted an apple computer, and ibook, but that I'll leave for a while yet. My computer still works fine, although I do really want to put Linux on it, my computer could be so much better with it. Stupid evil windows. Speaking of evil I need to scan my computer for viruses. A few weeks back I got a really bad virus through msn, and lost everything on my computer. Luckily I had some stuff saved at home, but I did loose some pictures, and all my music and movies. That really really sucked. Now I'm really anal about performing scans and such.
Anyway, off to watch a movie, and expect a fairly big update soonish...but don't hold you breath.

In your eyes

Finally finished my paper...stupid thing. I hate not having any guidance, and this teacher really doesn't give us any. She told us to choose a topic to write about...that was it. Those were the only instructions...How in gods name am I supposed to write a coherent paper with instructions like that? So because of that, my paper really makes no sense, and I am going to make an ass out of myself when I have to present it to the class. And we have to present them, who does that anymore? I hate presenting my work...I really do. Why should I stand up in front of the class and read my paper when it was written for the teacher. Stupid presentations. Anyway, enough of that.
Yesterday I went to the national museum in Stockholm with Susanne and her friend Anna. It was interesting, although at some points it got frustrating because not all of the tags had English translations, so you had no idea what was so great about that piece of artwork. Oh well. Not a big deal. Not as nice as the Hermatige in Russia. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go to a museum that tops that museum. At last I have free time to watch all the movies I've *cough* illegally *cough* downloaded. I really need to clean my room. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll do it.

It doesn't really matter where it all began...

Well it's been a while since I last updated. Its strange, I've been busy, but not busy all at the same time, if that makes any sense at all. I guess another reason I don't post too often is that I don't really feel like I have anything interesting to say. You tend to take for granted what you have. It's strange to walk down streets that are older than Canada itself, you just tend to forget how different your life is now from the one you left behind.

Now on to mundane things. School is okay I guess. Only having one class a week is frustrating because you have so much spare time, and when I have lots of spare time, I do nothing. Which then makes me feel useless because I'm not doing anything productive. I also have a paper to write that's due on Sunday, so I have to go and get started on that...even though I don't really want to write it. I guess I should go get started on it.

I'm getting the travel itch again. I can feel it creeping up on me. I need to go somewhere. Maybe just on a short boat cruise to Helsinki or something. I just need to get away from the familiar and go somewhere new. Hum, that's something I should look into, even if its only for the day, its better than nothing. I love to travel, get away. I love to see new things, I can't believe how liberating this exchange has been for me. I feel like a new person. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, only time will tell I guess. I do know I've learned so many things about myself, things I don't think I would have figured out without this experience.

Anyway, yesterday my brother turned 15. God that makes me feel old. 15. I can't believe it. That makes me 20 in May. Wow, I can't even imagine how old my parents must feel! I sent him a card with some money in it, and my parents bought him a PS2 game from me. So I assume he had a great birthday, now all I hope is that his try outs for the senior rugby team go well. He's a great player. I have confidence in his abilities. He's a great kid.

Anyway back to the ret-race, or at least the race of cleaning.