Sunday, March 06, 2005

How do you feel when there's no one? Am I just like you?

I feel stupid. I don't know why. I just don't feel smart, like everyone I know has the upper-hand and my brain is just not working anymore. I feel like I can't do anything right. I'm actually dreading having to write papers because I know that they will suck, even if they don't suck, I feel like they will. I feel like I'm stuck in grade 10, while everyone else around me is in University. I don't feel like I know anything to help me achieve anything. I've also noticed the same feeling that led me to Uppsala is creeping back...I need to move somewhere, start over where there are no expectations, where I can feel smart again, and not like someone who has no idea what the hell is going on. It's not like I feel superior when I think I'm smart, I just feel like I have at least one worthwhile attribute. I can't sleep...I don't know why, I don't fall asleep until 3am and then get up at noon or so...time is going by slow, but then speeds up and I feel like I can't catch up, like I'm stuck behind everyone else.

Friday, March 04, 2005

I looked out across the river today, saw a city in the fog and an old church tower where the sea gulls play.

Well I've pretty much decided on when I'm coming home. I will be home in the late afternoon of May 6th. Then I have class on the 9th. That gives me no time to get over my jet lag, but I love it here too much to want to leave any earlier. Sarah has offered me her floor, so that means I have somewhere to stay, but I think I may travel from the 1/2 to the 4/5 and then come back, grab my bags and head for the 6:40 flight. I'm thinking I may stay the night in the airport, since check in will start at like 4:30 or so, so I can stay up and read and knit, but then I was thinking of taking a cab, and that means I wouldn't have to leave until 3:00am, but then again, what are the few extra hours going to matter? So I may have someone help me get my bags to the airport and then be off home. I won't lie, I'm looking forward to coming home. I want to start my new classes (Astronomy, Math and maybe Chem) and I am really looking forward to the nice weather. Although the sun is now setting at around 5, so its nice to have the extra sunlight, but it will be nice to be home.

Kiruna is coming up on Tuesday, two bad I have basically two papers to do before I leave. I have to write a paper for this presentation thing, and then I have to write my short paper. I also have to find articles for my big paper. I have my work cut out for me, but hey I really do like this busy feeling, even if at times it makes me feel stressed out! April will only be the one history class I think. I have a few trips I want to do, so I'll need the time to go on those, so hopefully this class is only one class a week so I can travel travel travel.

Well guess I should get back to my paper, I cleaned today, which always makes me feel good, It's nice to have a clean surrounding. Although I still have to organize my knitting box, its a mess. But I can do that tomorrow morning. Now back to the paper...hopefully