I'll keep your memory vague so you wont feel bad about me...

It seems as if I'm going to have a bit more time on my hands now that I'm quasi done school. So this is a good time to get back into writing I figured, also it helps me vent my frustrations so that I don't ruin my already fragile relationship with my boyfriend.

His brother is visiting, and so far it seems more important to him that his brother meet and spend time with everyone but me. I was basicly told to leave them be for the entire 10 days that his brother is out here. I feel so left out. He couldn't even call me from the Bar last night, his friend had to do it. Is there something wrong with me in that my boyfriend doesn't want me to spend time with his brother? If these are the people that are going to potentially be my new family, then why am I not entitiled to spend time with them? Is he going to hide me from his parents as well when they come out? Now I am more inclined to believe so. I just feel like at times I'm allowed and encouraged to be a part of his life, but at other times I'm pushed aside. I knew that our engagement didn't go over too well with his family, which terrifies me, but is it fair to me and to them even to hide me from them? Is he embarassed about me that he feels he has to do that? Is he scared that I don't drink enough for his brother's liking? Is he scared that I'll do something dumb and embarass him? I don't understand.

I wish I had some kind of an answer. I wish I knew. It's not only his family he does it too, but his friends as well. I'm not asking to go out with him every time he goes out, but all his friends with girlfriends don't mind bringing their girls along, why am I not able to come?

I guess part of me is hurt because I've always tried so hard to make him become part of my family and group of friends, and he became that. He is one of the family, and he's one of my friends as well. It just stings that he doesn't see it the same way with me. I've seen his brother for maybe half an hour at best, and it was because we picked him up at the airport. I just feel left out, and I know that I really wont ever feel part of his circle. He choses to keep me apart from the rest of his friends and family. Which hurts me. He erases everything that links to me on facebook. He says because it's none of anyone's buissness what we chose to do with one another, but if he was really happy with being back together with me, would he not want to tell people as I do? Even now I want to tell people we're back together, and I don't care what they think. I'm happy with him, and always will be. I do think he's my soul mate, and I want to tell the whole world. I guess he's just not into me as much as I'm into him.

Save the last dance for me.

I need to brush my teeth. I can still taste you on my breath hours after I left. I wonder, now that I've done what you want me to do, what will become of us? Will you continue to use me? Will I be your good little play toy? We both don't want any form of relationship out of this, that is clear, but what will work be like now? You say that nothing has to be made out of it unless we make something out of it, but how can something not naturally come out of it? How can I look you in the eye at work? I don't know. At least I don't feel so used. I know that we're both in it for whatever comes out of it. Nothing more. There are no other expectations, and oddly enough I'm okay with that right now. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

Say goodnight and Go.

Dear Lord. I don't even know where to start with this one. No idea whatsoever where to start. I guess at the beginning would be a good place. I am the worlds biggest fuck up. Ever. So I went there. I went down there to see him, and yes I got used. Yes I feel like crap. I feel awful. Getting used for sex is never fun. It sucks and makes you feel like dirt. In the meantime I also lost my best friend when I tried to tell him about it. So yeah, just to top it all off I get used and then get reprimanded by my so called best friend. Things will never be the same inbetween us again. And that sucks, because I love him. Mind you he is back with his ex, so I guess really it was for the better. Maybe now he can hate me, and move on. Start his new life. Even though a huge part of me doesn't want that. I am a selfish person, and I love him, so it just makes it ten times worse. But he has a life he needs to live. I have no idea where this post is going. I was trying to somehow express how I'm feeling, but I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I want to do that. I have so many emotions, that letting them all out right now may not be the best idea in the world. Then again maybe that is what I need. TO let everything out, let it all go. Who knows.

It burst in colour like a supernova

Tonight I was sad. Sad that I wasn't someone else. Someone that someone else almost desperately wanted me to be. I know that sounds stupid, and it is. But being that person seemed like it would have made him happy, and I would have loved nothing more than allowing him to be happy. He deserves it. He's such a great guy, then I wonder if maybe I was sad because I was knocked of my pedestal, I liked being liked by him and now that he sees me as I truly am I, I'm not really liked as that other person. For some reason that makes me sad. So in one aspect I'm sad I'm not that person for selfish reasons, and the other reasons are because I want him to be happy.

I hate, you hate, why do I love you?

Ugh. I hate boys. That's a lie. I like boys, I just hate what they a) do to me b) make me feel like and c) the way my brain gets. For example. I've met this guy, again through the game I play, because I apparently am totally incompetent at meeting people in my own area. Anyway. He's a totally interesting guy. I really like him. He's smart, funny, keeps me interested and just all around great. Although he confuses the hell out of me. I know he's only using me for sex, and the fact that I'm traveling there for sex just reaffirms his usage of me. But part of me really likes him even though I know of his motive. Then again its times that he says "I wanna fuck my girlfriend" that I get confused when he says that's me. If he wants to screw me great, but can we at least leave my heart in one piece instead of in a billion ones? Or is that too much to ask?

Covered in darkness

So I came to the sudden realization in the shower the other morning that I'm only being used for sex, only ever have been, and will most likely only ever be used for the fact that I'll put out. That hurts. It makes me feel yucky inside, and it really does hurt. My soul aches if that makes sense. Maybe it's aching because a guy I really like is I know only using me for this, whereas I have some genuine feeling for him.

No I wont hold you back.

I can't believe I've kept all the conversations we had. All the things we said while we were "in love" I loved you so much. And I still do. I can't stop thinking about you. You're there in my mind. There's a part of me that wishes you would go away, but then another part of me that would be way to sad to see you go. I still talk with all the guys. Except you. I can't get the nerve to ask anyone how you are doing and what you've been up to lately. I always try and tell myself to ask, but then I chicken out at the last minute. I don't want to disturb you if you have a new life. But then again I don't want to let you go. I loved and love you so much still. Sometimes I wonder if you even really loved me. Whether or not it was real. or all just a dream. I can see your face so clearly, and I miss it. I miss you. I wish I hadn't left, then again I wonder what would have happened had I not. But alas that's all nothing but the past. And I'm stuck here in the future loving someone who I don't even know existed.

He calls you pretty little dumb dumb

Ugh. Why can I not just understand what the hell is going on in my life. Why do new people have to come along and complicate it all of sudden. 2 weeks ago this guy messaged me on myspace, and we seemed to hit it off. We both liked the same movies, books, you name it. We just seemed to hit it off. Well we ended up making plans for him to come watch Kingdom of Heaven with me on Wednesday night. But before that we met Monday night to get to know each other. Apparently he didn't like what he saw, or something about me totally scared him off. He cancelled our plans on Wed. saying he had to work, now I don't really care if this was true or not, but now he's blocked me on msn and deleted me from myspace. WTF? I mean seriously? What the hell did I do? If he just wanted me to put out he should have said so at the start, and you know what chances are I would have. I figured that was really all he was looking for, was some easy lay, and I didn't put out the first time. If he been a little more forward and asked, I actually would have, instead of beating around the bush and being an ass. Now I get to rethink every move I made to figure out where I went wrong. Fucking great. I hate boys. You all suck.

On the other hand I finally figured out Jon. He's still in love with another girl, the girl who hurt him. Fair enough, because when it comes down to it, I still love Daniel and miss him all the time. So it was kind of nice to see that, a light bulb went of in my head, and it kinda all made sense, with the whole projecting of feelings onto me and then me doing the same thing.

As much as I want someone right now, and I really do. I want someone really badly, I think it's best if I remain single. I have a lot of crap I need to deal with. It's probably best if I deal with it on my own, and on my own terms before I even think of letting someone else in the picture. Although when it comes down to it, I'm still hurt. And that sucks. I let it cross my mind for a minute maybe he did like me, and maybe something more would happen, but it didn't, and I'm a tad hurt. I need to brush it off. Get back on my feet and start over.

Am I made of glass, cause you see right through me.

Okay. I know people read this. I know. I can tell. Fess up. Now. I want to know who's reading it. It scares me shitless to know that people I know could be reading my personal thoughts and ideas. I know it is a public blog and everyone has a right to read it. I just want to know who is reading it. So leave a comment or message me. For my own sanity. I need to know.

I have to ask what we are, but if I ask today it just wont last.

Arggg! Why does talking to him always make me feel both angry and sad. I haven't spoken to him in weeks and he barely even acknowledges me. I don't even know why I still care about him. It's evident that he doesn't give a rats ass about me, yet I still sit around hoping he'll come back and tell me he still likes me. I just don't understand. I'm so frustrated with everyone and everything around me. I don't even know how to explain it anymore. I just am so angry and upset at life.
I'm so disheartened. I can't help but feel that life is not worth living, while at least mine anyway. I'm failing school. My marks are shitty, I have no motivation, I just don't want to do anything. At all. I just want to sleep or live another life. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to have the life I had in Sweden. I finally figured out who I was and what I wanted to do and then I came back and lost it. I feel so lost. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't know...